Way back on December 11, science fiction author extraordinaire
John Scalzi jokingly wrote -- in his AMC column -- that he "actually instructed my film agent to demand I get an extra $2 million if [Paul W.S. Anderson] attached to direct a movie based on one of my books." I found the statement amusing and commented yesterday that if the Haitian from Heroes actually existed, and could remove certain films from Paul W.S. Anderson's mind, I thought he would actually be a good director for
Old Man's War and it's sequels.
As an aside, I personally find it awesome that Scalzi is essentially AMC's modern SF Joe Bob Briggs. That's pretty prestigious company to be in
compadre.
In the past, I've written a couple of imaginary conversations like
this Elektra review or
this imaginary exchange at the Los Angeles Farmer's Market. I think that they are fun, and would like to do them more often. In fact, I'm going to try -- on a semi-regular basis -- to write imaginary conversation between entertainment figures and their agents. We'll see if you find them as fun as I do.
Combining the pleasure I get from writing imaginary conversations with the sinister thoughts that entered my mind after reading Scalzi's comments about Anderson, I submit to you the following.
AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION BETWEEN JOHN SCALZI AND HIS FILM AGENT TOM STEIN
It's a wintery day in the countryside outside Dayton, OH. JOHN SCALZI sits in the window of his writing room looking out at the snow covered landscape. A deer meanders through the landscape. JOHN SCALZI smiles and looks down at YELLOW DOG who is sleeping at his feet.
The phone rings.
JOHN SCALZI
Hello.
TOM STEIN
John! I have great news! We've optioned OLD MAN'S WAR and it has been fast tracked into production by New Line Cinema.
JOHN SCALZI
Really?! That's amazing news. What does the contract look like?
TOM STEIN
They're offering $2.175 million up front with 2% of net profit.
JOHN SCALZI
Net?! That means I'll earn 2% of nothing. Even YELLOW DOG knows that.
TOM STEIN
YELLOW DOG doesn't even know what town he's in, but that's why I counter offered with 2% of gross, script oversight, and rewrite authority. They caved...but...
JOHN SCALZI
But...what?
TOM STEIN
Well...the reason they offered the $2.175 million is that I have had to activate your Paul W.S. Anderson clause.
JOHN SCALZI
The Haitian really exists?
TOM STEIN
No, but that's why there is a $2 million in front of the $175 thousand.
JOHN SCALZI
Excellent.
TOM STEIN
Excellent?
JOHN SCALZI
Yes. Now I can fulfill every genre writer's dream?
TOM STEIN
Dream?
JOHN SCALZI
There are certain genre giants, I call them "THE GREATS," who have all shared one thing in common...
TOM STEIN
Yawn...I think I hear my other line ringing.
JOHN SCALZI
TOM STEIN
Heinlandia sounds too much like Scandia. I could never sell any of your IP, if you lived in Heinlandia. How about Steinland?
Or Hayden Place?
TOM STEIN AND JOHN SCALZI
Huh?! What are you doing on this call?
PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN
I am always patched into the lines of writers I edit. Helps me make sure they are hard at work and not watching deer meander through pastures when they should be writing. I could never edit a writer who lived in Heinlandia, it just sounds silly. How about naming your tract after your hard working and dedicated editor?
JOHN SCALZI
Bah! Dammit! Fine. I'll name it
Valentine Ranch. If you can't figure out why, you aren't worthy to be an SF editor or my agent.