As an aside, I personally find it awesome that Scalzi is essentially AMC's modern SF Joe Bob Briggs. That's pretty prestigious company to be in compadre.
In the past, I've written a couple of imaginary conversations like this Elektra review or this imaginary exchange at the Los Angeles Farmer's Market. I think that they are fun, and would like to do them more often. In fact, I'm going to try -- on a semi-regular basis -- to write imaginary conversation between entertainment figures and their agents. We'll see if you find them as fun as I do.
Combining the pleasure I get from writing imaginary conversations with the sinister thoughts that entered my mind after reading Scalzi's comments about Anderson, I submit to you the following.
AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION BETWEEN JOHN SCALZI AND HIS FILM AGENT TOM STEIN
It's a wintery day in the countryside outside Dayton, OH. JOHN SCALZI sits in the window of his writing room looking out at the snow covered landscape. A deer meanders through the landscape. JOHN SCALZI smiles and looks down at YELLOW DOG who is sleeping at his feet.
The phone rings.JOHN SCALZI
Hello.TOM STEINJohn! I have great news! We've optioned OLD MAN'S WAR and it has been fast tracked into production by New Line Cinema.JOHN SCALZIReally?! That's amazing news. What does the contract look like?TOM STEINThey're offering $2.175 million up front with 2% of net profit.JOHN SCALZINet?! That means I'll earn 2% of nothing. Even YELLOW DOG knows that.TOM STEINYELLOW DOG doesn't even know what town he's in, but that's why I counter offered with 2% of gross, script oversight, and rewrite authority. They caved...but...JOHN SCALZIBut...what?TOM STEINWell...the reason they offered the $2.175 million is that I have had to activate your Paul W.S. Anderson clause.JOHN SCALZIThe Haitian really exists?TOM STEINNo, but that's why there is a $2 million in front of the $175 thousand.JOHN SCALZIExcellent.TOM STEINExcellent?JOHN SCALZIYes. Now I can fulfill every genre writer's dream?TOM STEINDream?JOHN SCALZIThere are certain genre giants, I call them "THE GREATS," who have all shared one thing in common...TOM STEINYawn...I think I hear my other line ringing.JOHN SCALZIThey have all owned vast tracks of land with inspiring names like Goldeneye, Tarzana Ranch, Skywalker Ranch. At last! Mwah ha ha! Heinlandia shall be built!TOM STEINHeinlandia sounds too much like Scandia. I could never sell any of your IP, if you lived in Heinlandia. How about Steinland?Or Hayden Place?TOM STEIN AND JOHN SCALZIHuh?! What are you doing on this call?PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDENI am always patched into the lines of writers I edit. Helps me make sure they are hard at work and not watching deer meander through pastures when they should be writing. I could never edit a writer who lived in Heinlandia, it just sounds silly. How about naming your tract after your hard working and dedicated editor?JOHN SCALZIBah! Dammit! Fine. I'll name it Valentine Ranch. If you can't figure out why, you aren't worthy to be an SF editor or my agent.